Went for a job interiew for Borders Kotara. If I get it it means that I'll be moving  up to Lake Mac in less than a month. Holymoly!!! Had a fun weekend hanging out with emma and her sis. 

Linking Park concert tonight, court tomorrow morning for mum and dad's settlement. Second Border's interview on Thursday, so I hope I get it. 

Nonno's back in hospital. No word on when he's getting out. He's just so sick. 

Nothing else new.

So I've been home for about 3 weeks now. How is it that I'm more miserable here than I was in the States?? 

My grandma went into hospital last Wednesday for a knee replacement, and basically I'm going to not be able to work until she's able to drive again. So I need to be the mother for my little sister, look after my sick grandad, and when nan gets out of hospital at the end of the week I'll need to be looking after her too.

It just occurred to me last night and this morning, HOW IS THIS FAIR??? Why am I the one that has to put my life on hold?? I had to fight with my brother to let me leave the house for TWO HOURS on Friday night just so I could breathe, because he wanted to go out. Um, he's been out all week. Yes, I understand he was at the Police Academy, but he's around his friends the whole time. I don't understand why it's all left to me. I'm so sick of it. I'm just expected to not work or do anything until nan's well. Meanwhile, on Sunday night, Dan, my brother, was hanging out with Jonas, my cousin.   I don't get an invitation, and this isn't some *boo hoo I'm left out* sob story. It's the fact that they're all able to lead normal lives, but I have to stay around and look after my sister. My friends asked me to do something last night too, but I couldn't because I had to pick my sister up because she was out with a friend, and had to stay home and make dinner for her. How is this OK??? We're all the grandkids, but I'm the one that has to be the fucking housewife. Plus, there's all this bullshit with my graddad being angry at my brother and I, but that's OK because Daniel doesn't have to be in the house - he just calls his girlfriend and she'll pick him up, and he'll stay at her place, and come home whenever it suits him. 

Meanwhile, I have no money, because I'm not working. I'm supposed to be moving up to Newcastle next year and going to uni, which I can totally afford to do with NO MONEY. And I'm probably going to move up earlier to help my friend out whose house and car were flooded this weekend with NO MONEY, and I really do want to move up earlier because I can't deal with being here anymore. And I'm supposed to be able to pay my credit cards at the same time with the zero funds I don't have.

AND WHERE THE FUCK IS JONAS????? I haven't seen him since I got back. He hasn't come to visit nonno or see if he's OK. Or to offer to help. Why?? Because he isn't expected to. But I am.

And they all go, WELL, We've been doing all this while you've been away for the past year, because you haven't been here. Please. You took nonno to the hospital a few times. That's what I've had to do my WHOLE LIFE. Wow, you gave up a few days out of your entire year. None of them gave up their job, or their social life, or their ability to be a normal teenager, or adult. I'm so over this. NOBODY ELSE HAS TO DO THIS.

I know it's selfish to think this way, but don't I deserve to be able to do my own thing? I've always done shit for this family and no one acknowledges anything. All I've heard while I've been away is how good the boys are for driving nonno to his doctor's appointments and hospital. Wow. Aren't they so good.

Um. I did all that. Already. I've been doing all that. Even while I was away I had to still deal with shit going on at home. But I'm not as good as everyone else. I don't get a thank you.

I'm freaking the eff out. I think my granddad's dying but can't get a straight answer from anyone. I have only 33 more days here, but I'm thinking I should cut it back. The main problem is that it'll leave me about $2000US out of pocket, and I don't have the money to go home.

My mind keeps running everything around in circles and I'm going nuts.

I just don't want to be here and have him die without me seeing him. He raised me - he's practically my dad.

My head hurts.

[

Feeling....

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nervous

]

Hey guys. Leaving for the airport in ten mins.

Hopeful plans for today: UN building (I get to go to "another country" today!!), fingers crossed I can get into Les Miserables. Other than that I'm not sure. Maybe FAO Schwartz or something.

Nervous as all hell. First time travelling solo anywhere, and I realise I'm only alone for 3 days, but that's 3 EVENINGS that I'm alone!!!! Oh well!

Love you all!!!

[

Feeling....

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drained

]

What is it about me that makes people confide in me? I'm always the one that people turn to when they're upset and don't know what to do. It's so draining. Does that sound selfish? It's just that it feels like by the time the other person gets off the phone their problems are solved and they feel better, but I feel like I have nothing left in me.

Last night Natalia, one of the new au pairs, called me in tears because of her situation. So I stayed on the phone with her for an hour, and I hope I helped, but afterwards I was so tired, and I just wanted to lay down and never wake up. I also found it odd that I would be the one she's turn to when she was most upset. She's been here for 2 months, but I've maybe met up with her three or four times. This is the bad thing about being over here when you're new and you haven't really got any best friends yet, you need to start thinking about who you'll turn to that isn't back home. I was lucky because I had Lara, although, that said, when I'd been here for 2 months Lara and I had only really known each other for 3 weeks.

I dunno. This is just a rant because I'm always the person that shit gets dumped on. My family always does this to me, and I just found it hard to have to help someone that really, I don't know all that well.

I'm working lots of Saturdays, including tomorrow. At least, I think I am. I hated the way John phrased the question, and he only asked me yesterday: "Are you around Saturday night?" (who's ever just "around" on a saturday night?????), and I was like, "I'm not sure yet what we're doing... and he's like, "well, I have this dinner thing I want to go to" (Frances will be out of town for one of her sorority things) "and i just wanted someone to look after jack."
Me: ummmm.....
John: hey, look, I'm just seeing if you want to, otherwise i can ask sarah.
Me: (thinking why the hell didn't he ask Sarah in the first place????????) Well, I'm not sure yet...
John: Ok, look, whatever, that's fine, we'll work something out.

So I think I'm working, which is stupid because my Saturday is already ruined because I have to take sarah to this exam thing for highschool and pick her up from it, and I know they don't consider that to be working times, cos i'm just dropping off and picking  up and doing nothing in the meantime, it means that my Saturday is already broken up and I can't go downtown or something... I can't really do ANYTHING that requires more than an hour or so.

ARGH! I hate how John tries to make me feel guilty into doing something. Or to at least coerce me into doing it like I have the choice. Why not flat out say I need you to work this weekend?? Because then it's HIS decision. The way he does it, I know the meaning is that I really have to do it, but he doesn't want to come out and say it, cos then he's the bad one, and this way it's my decision. GRRRRR.