Went for a job interiew for Borders Kotara. If I get it it means that I'll be moving  up to Lake Mac in less than a month. Holymoly!!! Had a fun weekend hanging out with emma and her sis. 

Linking Park concert tonight, court tomorrow morning for mum and dad's settlement. Second Border's interview on Thursday, so I hope I get it. 

Nonno's back in hospital. No word on when he's getting out. He's just so sick. 

Nothing else new.

So I've been home for about 3 weeks now. How is it that I'm more miserable here than I was in the States?? 

My grandma went into hospital last Wednesday for a knee replacement, and basically I'm going to not be able to work until she's able to drive again. So I need to be the mother for my little sister, look after my sick grandad, and when nan gets out of hospital at the end of the week I'll need to be looking after her too.

It just occurred to me last night and this morning, HOW IS THIS FAIR??? Why am I the one that has to put my life on hold?? I had to fight with my brother to let me leave the house for TWO HOURS on Friday night just so I could breathe, because he wanted to go out. Um, he's been out all week. Yes, I understand he was at the Police Academy, but he's around his friends the whole time. I don't understand why it's all left to me. I'm so sick of it. I'm just expected to not work or do anything until nan's well. Meanwhile, on Sunday night, Dan, my brother, was hanging out with Jonas, my cousin.   I don't get an invitation, and this isn't some *boo hoo I'm left out* sob story. It's the fact that they're all able to lead normal lives, but I have to stay around and look after my sister. My friends asked me to do something last night too, but I couldn't because I had to pick my sister up because she was out with a friend, and had to stay home and make dinner for her. How is this OK??? We're all the grandkids, but I'm the one that has to be the fucking housewife. Plus, there's all this bullshit with my graddad being angry at my brother and I, but that's OK because Daniel doesn't have to be in the house - he just calls his girlfriend and she'll pick him up, and he'll stay at her place, and come home whenever it suits him. 

Meanwhile, I have no money, because I'm not working. I'm supposed to be moving up to Newcastle next year and going to uni, which I can totally afford to do with NO MONEY. And I'm probably going to move up earlier to help my friend out whose house and car were flooded this weekend with NO MONEY, and I really do want to move up earlier because I can't deal with being here anymore. And I'm supposed to be able to pay my credit cards at the same time with the zero funds I don't have.

AND WHERE THE FUCK IS JONAS????? I haven't seen him since I got back. He hasn't come to visit nonno or see if he's OK. Or to offer to help. Why?? Because he isn't expected to. But I am.

And they all go, WELL, We've been doing all this while you've been away for the past year, because you haven't been here. Please. You took nonno to the hospital a few times. That's what I've had to do my WHOLE LIFE. Wow, you gave up a few days out of your entire year. None of them gave up their job, or their social life, or their ability to be a normal teenager, or adult. I'm so over this. NOBODY ELSE HAS TO DO THIS.

I know it's selfish to think this way, but don't I deserve to be able to do my own thing? I've always done shit for this family and no one acknowledges anything. All I've heard while I've been away is how good the boys are for driving nonno to his doctor's appointments and hospital. Wow. Aren't they so good.

Um. I did all that. Already. I've been doing all that. Even while I was away I had to still deal with shit going on at home. But I'm not as good as everyone else. I don't get a thank you.

I'm freaking the eff out. I think my granddad's dying but can't get a straight answer from anyone. I have only 33 more days here, but I'm thinking I should cut it back. The main problem is that it'll leave me about $2000US out of pocket, and I don't have the money to go home.

My mind keeps running everything around in circles and I'm going nuts.

I just don't want to be here and have him die without me seeing him. He raised me - he's practically my dad.

My head hurts.

[

Feeling....

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nervous

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Hey guys. Leaving for the airport in ten mins.

Hopeful plans for today: UN building (I get to go to "another country" today!!), fingers crossed I can get into Les Miserables. Other than that I'm not sure. Maybe FAO Schwartz or something.

Nervous as all hell. First time travelling solo anywhere, and I realise I'm only alone for 3 days, but that's 3 EVENINGS that I'm alone!!!! Oh well!

Love you all!!!